Not Enough

The voice in my head keeps telling me "you're doing this wrong, again. Why can't you get it right the first time round?" as my boss ran through the slide deck that I had spent a couple of hours doing it.

"Why do you drag this (cost list) for so long? If you had mentioned it months ago, I would have rejected the idea. You see, all it took was just a 10 minute call", as my boss discussed with me on the list of items I was about to share with him.

All I seemed to hear were the faults, and faults only. 

...I'm not fast enough.
...I'm not stern enough.
...You're taking too long for this.
...You see, now people are thinking that the Asia team is not doing a good job, and causing all these inconveniences.

How do I even get confident with this kind of thing?

Which is why I rather catastrophize situations - so that I can numb my emotions out.

7 Feb

I'm still feeling it.

The more I read into something, the more dread I become, and the less confident I become. I just can't seem to break away from this feeling. 

I need to do my work, but each time I can't seem to focus properly.

I need to be alone. Without anything.

Again?

Why do I always feel dread about work? I try to look at each task positively, but that fear and anxiety just creeps in. I happened to read my work email - despite being on sick leave - and my eyes got fixated on a specific line:

"It's just moving too slow".

I was just about to come back to work refreshed with a positive mindset, and that line just triggered my anxiety all over again.

I am aware that I took too long to address that particular issue. Then I started questioning my credibility, and doubting myself as someone in a leadership role. My imposter syndrome went overdrive.

I feel that I'm not doing things fast enough. I feel that I'm taking too long to get things done. I feel that I'm not capable and competent enough to complete what's being asked of me.

I'm being asked to think, but I overthink, thus things aren't moving the way they're expected or supposed to.  I overthink because I'm tired of being questioned therefore I cover as much ground as possible. Even with that I feel it's not enough. What if I had missed or overlooked something?

I don't feel confident.

I don't feel competent.

I don't feel like I'm a leader.

I don't feel I deserve the role I was given. 

I can't remember the last time I get worried over grades or scores for my work review. I'm more than happy to get a 2.1 is definitely an insult, but anything higher than a 2 is just a bonus.

There are just so many things I'm not satisfied with myself about. I always beat myself down when things don't go well.

I was told by a few friends and colleagues to celebrate small wins. Every time I get a compliment from the higher ups about something, I simply deflect and credit it to the team and everyone involved. Credit is given where it's due, especially that there were so many initiatives and tasks over the course of the year on top of the day-to-day stuff. I mean, without them, I am nothing.

Me? I simply don't know how to react to compliments. I mean, I do say thank you. It's just that all these is down to the people who have taught me well.

Perhaps it's been ingrained in me that when it comes to compliments, it should be credited to the team. But when it comes to criticism, it should be me to shoulder the responsibility.

There are many times I felt like relinquishing this role and giving it to someone more capable and experienced. Then I could learn better from this person. I mean, I relish the challenge and gained experience. But the level of anxiety I have...

What's holding me back...

Upon scrolling back the past entries, and I realised that I still have low self-esteem, low self-confidence and anxiety even after many years have passed by as I climb up ranks in the corporate ladder.

It frustrates me time and time again, but what can I do about these anxieties?

How do I deal with this?

Everytime there's an issue, my anxiety gets triggered - either my palms get sweaty or my stomach feels uncomfortable to the point of dry heaving. The higher the severity, the worse it gets.

Tired

I'm tired. Mentally tired.

Tired of waking up each day with anxiety, uncertainty and anticipation of what is going to happen today.

Tired of rushing and having to catch upbacklogs, on top of the load what I'd probably be tasked to do.

Each day I'm think to myself, "what's the one thing I'm going to screw up today?" That thought could make my day bad and depressing.. and perhaps that thing will really screw me up. Murphy's Law, probably?

Thinking if I should just continue penning down my thoughts here, or just start afresh with something more lively. I don't know. I know I need to vent out somewhere. But I can't vent out properly.

Mentally Untitled

The rhetoric question of "because I have a responsibility as a husband, you should listen to me".

The notion of "because you are what you are now, you should do this, this and this" or "when will you start doing this, this and this" because it will only question the reason to compromise more than what has already been given.

Or any question that may somewhat make me sound like a male chauvinist.

Any question on responsibility in any matter, whether it's about religion or about the household.



Something that I need to reflect upon myself: am I slowly becoming male chauvinist without me realising? Because if I am, I would want to get that part out of me.

That I should really think a few steps ahead before I start such conversations. Not a few, many. 
Or rather I should really start from what should I say before expanding my cause and effect mental diagram. And how I should approach things.

If I do not have anything constructive to say without any concrete evidence to back my statement, I should refrain from talking about it.