I was looking through one PC from my previous office when I saw a memory... What an... idiot I was. "Idiot" is just a word too kind to describe how fucked up I was.
26th August 2008 @ 8.30pm
Every time he disappoints me, I ask myself where I’ve gone wrong. I just don’t understand why he would do something like that when he claims that I am the one and that he loves me so much that he would ‘die’ for me.
I seriously doubt the extent of his words because from the things I’ve seen him do (and not do), it tells me that he’s really just words.
If he had loved me, he would have/would not have done whatever it was which he KNEW would hurt me.
Trust?
I don’t know what trust is anymore.
I don’t know what trust we have at all.
When he tells me he’s praying, how would I know if he’s just doing it for the sake of it and not because he really IS doing it from the bottom of his heart?
When he tells me he wouldn’t do things which hurts me, how can I hold on to those words, when in the end, he hurts me again using the same ways?
I admit.
I am not a good girl myself.
But I know what I want in a relationship. I KNOW I am not a good girl. I KNOW I’ve done wrong. And because of that, I YEARN to be with someone who can be my pillar of support and TELL me to do the right things if I am doing wrong.
But…
Why am I always the one to give advice, and yet receive none?
I’m burning myself out.
Just like being a candle.
Being HIS candle.
To light HIS path, I burn myself.
When I was single, I told myself, that I shouldn’t waste time crying over a guy like that. I was very practical.
Why bother over someone whom you know had lied to you and hurt you over and over again? Why be so stupid and hang on to a person like that who has not a single idea of what love really is?
From the way I see it, love to him means holding hands, kissing, hugging and buying me food, sending me home, going out on our anniversaries.
Even with all these things happening, I felt so hollow; like the relationship is lacking something.
Just what is that something?
I love him so much. So much that I sacrificed so much of my work time to be with him. Because I KNOW that I have so much work to do that I might neglect the relationship. But when I found out how he had been lying to me and hiding things from me, I began to hate him.
Yes. It was heartbreaking. It is just beyond words how I felt at that point of time when he told me about how much his colleagues wanted him to stay on in the school because of his good service.
I don’t think anyone would want me. With my MCs, my tired face, me not meeting deadlines and handing in work which didn’t show effort… ANY organization would be ready to boot me off the team. After speaking to the VP, I learnt of how far the news had spread about me. I felt even worse.
I wonder if I am given a second chance to change and show them I can do it. Can I redeem myself? It doesn’t look too bright.
I realized, how I’ve forgotten to live for myself and not for others.
I shouldn’t have lived for him.
I shouldn’t live for work either.
I should live for what I think is right for me.
I shouldn’t have cried for the shit he’s given me.
I shouldn’t have sacrificed that much. After all, his words are all bull crap. JUST HOW MUCH of his words are actually true?
When he said “I love you”, did he really mean it? It seems to be customary for him to say it all the time. Is it something he says when he wants me back?
When he said “You’re not fat/ugly” or when he says “You’re pretty what”, did he really mean all that from the bottom of his heart? If he did, why did he look at other women?
My father told me that these kind of guys are just out for my body. When asked why, Dad said that “If he had respected you, he would know better than to watch all that. It shows how much he respected you. Once he watched it, he would want to do it with you. You want arh, that kind of guy? Are you sure he really loves you? He’s just out for your money. You’re a TEACHER you know. You earn a lot of money. If you are some factory girl or office girl with no title, I tell you he will kick you away.”
“When I saw him at the staircase, he looked away. Didn’t even DARE to acknowledge me. You see. You want him? He’s not even a MAN. How to look after the family? If you marry him, YOU will be the one earning the money. Not him. He doesn’t even respect me enough to acknowledge me and tell me who he is. He looks like a coward. Why you want him?”
“If he really loves you, he wouldn’t have lied to you. Kau tengok ape dia buat kan kau. Macam gini kau kata saying [sic]? Kalau dia betul betul sayingkan [sic]kau, dia tak akan nak bawak kau jalan sampai malam-malam tau. Dia tahu kau kerja penat.”
Those words, kept playing in my head since then.
So does this mean that Aidil doesn’t even know basic respect?
Why do I put in so much even when I told myself that he’s not worth the sacrifice?
So let’s say I choose to not put in so much anymore. What happens to the relationship?
Let’s face it. The relationship can’t work if there’s only one person working on it.
What happens if I wash my hands off it?
Maybe he’ll become worse. Then he’ll drag me down.
So now what am I supposed to do?
I am just so tired of talking to him, of trying to guide him to the right decisions.
Why am I still with him? Is this really love? Or just that I don't want to step out of my comfort zone? Why am I still in an abusive relationship? Why am I causing my family so much pain? Why do I choose to give him another chance even when he's broken so many other chances?
How can I trust him? How can I trust that he will not show any of the things which are private to the both of us to his parents or his family members or to anyone else as how he had told that woman friend he's just known for 6mths about my cutting habit?
I wish I could just die. and be done with it. Living with these problems is such a torture.
