My supervisor asked for my personal opinion - before he eventually revealed it - concerning my own level of contribution between "Top Contributor", "Solid Contributor", "Above Average Contributor" and two other grades which I didn't really notice as they're both negative. I gave him my honest answer - Above Average. He smiled at me and said, "actually, you are here" as he took out his pen and ticked the box. My eyes followed the movement of his hand.. and the text stated, "Solid Contributor".
I didn't quite know how to feel. For a very short moment, I felt grateful and proud of my accomplishment. But then, I suddenly recalled the past and asked myself, "how would she react if she hears this news? Is she going to feel proud? Or is she going to complain about how 'good' I work and how she seldom gets such compliments?"
I know I always seem to be lamenting about the past, but I just can't shelf it aside. I still remember how we argued about why I was always so dedicated to work that I sort of neglected her. There were a few occasions when she would say "why don't you just get married to work then!?", "you get praises, you're so friendly with your colleagues. What do I get?", "you just don't know your limits, do you?" And because our arguments were rather frequent, she became depressed and her grades suffered. I felt I was at fault for her drop in grades. Because I started them.
The praises I had received had become too much for her to take. I felt I was in the wrong.
Am I working because I want to receive praises from colleagues and staff? Am I working for self-satisfaction? Am I working just for the money? (well, that's rather a DUH question) Am I giving my 100% at work so as to climb up the corporate ladder? The last question that I suddenly thought of was... Am I working doubly hard to occupy and make myself forget about her?
I do want to give my best at work, but when I thought about her.. I don't know the worth of working hard.
I honestly don't know.
The praises I had received had become too much for her to take. I felt I was in the wrong.
Am I working because I want to receive praises from colleagues and staff? Am I working for self-satisfaction? Am I working just for the money? (well, that's rather a DUH question) Am I giving my 100% at work so as to climb up the corporate ladder? The last question that I suddenly thought of was... Am I working doubly hard to occupy and make myself forget about her?
I do want to give my best at work, but when I thought about her.. I don't know the worth of working hard.
I honestly don't know.
